"Americans are noisy bastards."
- H. L.  Mencken

Conversation is dead
It often seems that everywhere you turn someone is saying something useless. Coworkers, family members and acquaintances blither about the weather, or what they saw on TV last night and other shallow subjects that many of us don't care about.  We live in an age where people rarely ask questions of one another that provokes a thoughtful dialogue.

Today what passes for conversations is a steady stream of useless anecdotes. Many people simply spew out uninformed knee-jerk opinions about things they know very little about.  They prattle on about their miserable jobs, their dysfunctional families, and their mismanaged lives. Cable TV talk shows and so called "news" programs are the public venue for the continual stream of mindless jibber.

In America, people often confuse talking with thinking. Constructing a thought in silence is not possible for many Americans and we know who you are. To you we say SHUT THE HELL UP!

Noise machines of the foolish
Buffoons with car stereos meander down neighborhood streets broadcasting a bass thumping cacophony of hip-hop blubbering. These mindless knuckleheads spend hundreds of dollars to get noticed at neighborhood stop lights. Yet, they pretend to ignore everyone around them though they're starving for attention. To the fools with car-fi woofers we say "SHUT THE HELL UP!"

It appears that every suburban neighborhood has some twit continuously resisting the growth of Gods green foliage by incessantly mowing the lawn, blowing leaves or trimming something with a machine that makes more noise than is humanly reasonable. To them we say SHUT THE HELL UP!

Even when I'm gone
There are many Americans who make noise by proxy. Audio induced territorial pissing is prolific. Every American neighborhood has more than one dog that barks our howls relentlessly in the back yard while the owner is gone. This dog is owned by an imbecile.

Car alarms are activated to tell us that another absent, delusional moron has parked his vehicle nearby.

Many of us live around people who watch television at logic defying volumes. Contrary to the belief of many, "Wheel of Fortune" CAN be too loud. But what's worse than a loud TV being watched is a loud TV not being watched. Turn off your television before you leave home and SHUT THE HELL UP.

Urchins of noise
Won't somebody think of the children? How can we not think of the children. No other nation spoils it's children like America. They're everywhere and they are loud. This generation of coddled brats cries out for attention everywhere they go and their parents don't seem to give a damn about the noise. Toddlers shriek in book stores and restaurants as mom and dad pretend it's not happening. Well mom and dad, it is happening. When junior is acting up it's time to skip Old Navy for today, because your numerous empty threats still aren't working. How about "Teenagers and movie theaters." The very phrase increases home video sales. Shut-up Brandon, Shut-up Crystal, Shut-up Trevor, Shut-up Kyle, Shut-up Brittany, Shut-up Katlyn, Shut-up Cody. SHUT THE HELL UP and watch the film quietly.

Public masturbation
Many of our nation's troglodyte-like citizens enjoy revving an automobile engine without realizing that it is never necessary. Never. Revving ones engine is a metaphor for masturbation. To you we say do your dirty business out of earshot of others or SHUT THE HELL UP!.

Exploding firecrackers and other small explosives is a similar form of audio masturbation. Such noise is rarely enjoyed by anyone other than the slack-jawed dummy who lit the fuse. Clinical studies have proven that crushing an aluminum can against ones forehead is a viable alternative. Please refrain from the use of small fireworks and SHUT THE HELL UP!.

Noisy feet
For the downstairs apartment dweller the following is true: The people who live upstairs seem to have no toes. They stomp around on what sounds like wooden stumps, bounding from one room to the other without a logical purpose. Hey upstairs neighbor, stop walking on your heels and SHUT THE HELL UP!

Many hippies young and old walk through life shuffling there sloppy soles down city streets and cavernous halls. Their posture and stride seem to say "I'm shy, oppressed and I'm carrying the burdens of an unjust society on my back." We don't care. Get over yourself, pick up you feet and SHUT THE HELL UP!

Respect
Shutting your pie hole, turning down your car stereo and muzzling your dog are small gestures that can make America a better place to live. Doing so says that you are courteous and respectful of others. Not doing so may mean you're an asshole.

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Return to uwarp.iwarp.com

These are the official views of  The Council for a Quieter America . The Council for a Quieter America (c) 2002

During National Shut the Hell Up Month please observe the following:

• Stop mowing the lawn so often. That neighbor with his butt hole sewn shut will always have a nicer yard than yours anyway.
• Never "rev" your engine. Don't squeal your tires. Doing either of these things indicates to others that, without question, you are a dumb fuck.
• The odds are most people think your music sucks ass.  Turn it down. Nobody is impressed with your car-fi woofer(Except your closest friends who's names are likely to be Tyler, Dylan or Zack. In which case your "system" rocks)
• Don't complain. Change your situation or shut the hell up.
• In most cases, the person most interested in what you have to say is you so why bother talking at all.
• Only 16% of dirty jokes and innuendo are actually funny. Save yourself  on-going embarrassment and just say something nice.  
• Muzzle your dog (or grind him up for meat and invite a member of our organization to dinner.)
• Don't shout at your dog with the same ineffective admonishments time after time, doing so means there are two stupid creatures making unnecessary noises.
• Refrain from nervous whistling and humming unless you're trying to snatch someone's wallet or a Hostess snack cake.
• If you live above someone, don't move furniture in the middle of the night unless it's an extreme decorating emergency.
• Pick up your Lord boards when walking down a tiled hall you over burdened hippie.
• Don't tap on the counter, table, desk, railing or other surface unless you absolutely can't help it.
• Car alarms? Don't bother. Our concern for noise pollution is greater than our concern for the property of the self-righteous.
• Turn down the volume on your television. It's Ok, the show will continue.
• Throw away your fireworks. The first fire cracker sounds pretty much like the next one which sounds like the last one. There is no need to keep experimenting.
• Unplug your power tools or use them to violently remove your limbs
• Sink your personal watercraft.
• Sit quietly.
• Control your debased desires for audible stimuli. Fight the feeling, AND SHUT THE HELL UP

"Maybe someone at Harley Davidson will engineer a muffler. Guys who open up the throttle at 2 a.m. are assholes."